JINX: Now be nice!
POPS: My interview...She agreed...Need I say more? So Jan, what happenings in your writing career have caused you to be such a grouch and meanie?
JAN: It has nothing to do with writing, it's those harem scarem tax clients with bad attitudes and the fact that it's tax season. And then I get a note from Ms. Lea that she's turned a squirrel (did you really say this freak of nature is a squirrel?) lose on humanity! What a rip! Can you really be simply a squirrel and such an obnoxious pest? The squirrels at my house are nice quiet little guys that keep the trees growing, by planting black walnuts all over the yard. I enjoy watching them run along the light wires.
POPS: What an attitude! I think I like you!! I noticed you have quite a few blogs. This is my first but getting to be a popular one. So, do you actually write on these blogs? Do you hire writers? Curious to see if you really do know how to hold a pen. Afterall, it appears you and the Literary Police are such close friends I’m surprised they haven’t busted you for faking to be a writer.
JINX: Oh, oh. Butch is NOT going to like that.
POPS: Whatever. Do you see him around? Shoot your answer, Jan.
JAN: Oh, I write 'em all alright. If I don't write the posts, the real author's name is published along with links to his or her blogs and posts. My favorite kind of posts promote other people, like that one I wrote in the middle of the night last night on http://janverhoeff.com. I even shot a link or two back to your obnoxious little post. I wanted people to see what Lea had accomplished in the wee hours of the night time.
She's quite a writer, and mostly I admire her work. She must have been really tired to set you lose on society. I have her down as a nice person, until this mishap!
As for knowing how to hold a pen, I can do that, too. But I type more than 90 words per minute, so it's pretty easy to scare out a few articles in ten minutes or so. You should see my list of ebooks available at http://janverhoeff.com/?page_id=83 and that's not even a complete list!
POPS: Geez. Seems I really fired you up! hehehehe Um, my notes indicate that you critique people’s work? Really? Have any of them been arrested yet by your close friends? And who allowed you in this critique community? Not a very smart person if you ask me.
JINX: Oh, I’m so sorry, Jan. He’s not himself today. He’s really upset about you calling the Literary Police on Lea.
JAN: Ah, Jinx, ya' know Pops is just an old codger with a bad attitude. He'll get over it eventually, or he'll be pushing up daisies from an early grave.
Yes, Pops, I do critique other people's writing. I'd probably have deleted you right out of the story, but everybody knows a good story has to have a villain, so I suppose there's a purpose Lea left you in. Although I can’t imagine why… Guess I’ll ask her some time.
POPS: For your info, I’m one of the good guys. Dread is the villain along with those smelly dudes, the Braks. Quick scenario: you’re walking along for hours in Dread’s Forest and need to go to the bathroom: A- you search out a tree, or B- you hold it in?
JINX: No one blamed you for taking a pee. You saved us from the Braks. What’s up with this question?
POPS: Curious to see what she would have done in my situation.
JAN: Well, first off, I’m a lady. I don’t pee behind a tree. Second of all, I’d have been sure there was a proper facility close by for personal matters.
But, since we’re getting up close and personal here… AHEM Pops, what is it you’re doing out in Dread’s Forest walking along for hours? Don’t you have better things to do than water trees in Dread’s Forest?
POPS: I’m really liking you more and more. I wasn’t out for a stroll if that’s what you mean. We were trying to get to Rock Kingdom so Alex can get us back home. But you know, when you gotta go, you gotta go. On to the questions. Ah, my favorite question: Have you ever puked during an interview or workshop? Or wanted to puke? I know I felt like puking when the Braks captured me.
JAN: Ladies don’t puke, they purge. I’ve never been so wrapped up in untold events as to require such a void. However, if you must know, there was a moment during an interview with the President in 1978 when I felt a tad bit light headed and asked for a small glass of water. He graciously provided the water and invited me to take a moment to compose myself before we finished the interview. That was, I might add, my first interview with such a well-known personality.
So, Pops, tell me more about this Braks character. He captured you? I’m liking him better and better!
POPS: Not a he but a them. Ugly beings and…hey, I’m interviewing you! Now, how many hours of sleep do you really need? I mean, how much time can you possibly spend on critiquing?
JAN: Sleep? I nap occasionally, resting my eyes from the tedium of type. A few hours each night, and power naps during the day to refresh myself. I’ve found my best work hours are the quiet ones, before my children are up fettering for my attention and prying me away from my work to prepare meals, take them to the park, or chase naughty squirrels in the trees.
My best reading and critiquing is done on the treadmill while I stroll at a nice pace through the morning hours with gentle breezes blowing the lace at my window.
POPS: Show off! Just had to stick in those ugly purple prose, didn’t you. You’re lucky I’m such a nice guy that I don’t delete this entire interview. So you died and now there’s this huge tombstone. What do you think people will engrave on it?
JAN: Nurturing Mother and Friend (and most recently Loving Granny)
POPS: Shucks, sniff, sniff. Have you ever washed anyone’s mouth with soap? Care to try? Sharp teeth! <
JINX: What type of a writing question is that? But, Jan, if you can fit two whole bars in that trap of his, I’ll kiss you.
POPS: Yeah, like kissing a six-legged hamster will thrill her.
JAN: Pops, I’ve found a liquid soap that leaves dirty mouths fresh as sweet lemon and honey on a warm summer day. I prepare it in a pistol grip sprayer and take aim at the naughty little rascals that need a squirt now and then. Their sharp teeth don’t bother me!
POPS: So you’re a chicken to try. I get it. Besides your ‘best friends’, any other villains around that scare the beegeebees out of you?
JAN: No, I don’t scare easily. The Literary Police (and IRS) are friendly to writers who don’t create international situations by turning sharp toothed squirrels lose on society, so even they don’t frighten me.
POPS: There she goes with mention of her best friends. Do they give you a commission every time you mention them? Does your family think you’re normal? I mean here you are threatening a squirrel and the creator, and then you agree to do an interview? That’s a bit odd, you have to agree.
BUTCH: Why is it that I need to keep walloping you?
POPS: Oh hey, Butch. What? I think this is going pretty good, right my best friend, my better-step-up-and-save-me-best-buddy Jan?
JAN: Normal, according to Dave Ramsey is BROKE. No my family doesn’t think I’m normal by any stretch. I’m quite successful and comfortable being abnormal, or even odd if it pleases you. There have been those who refer to me as weird, but they probably hang around sharp-toothed squirrels with too much time on their hands.
Pops, you must have me confused with someone else. I don’t even pretend to be your buddy. I’ve always liked squirrels, they hang around with good nuts, but… you have issues!
BUTCH: Jan, apologies for getting here so late.
POPS: You weren’t supposed to be here in the first place.
BUTCH: What?
POPS: What? Nothing. I didn’t say anything. It was Jinx!
JINX: What?
POPS: Quiet! Butch is finishing off the interview.
BUTCH: Can you tell us what inspired you or continues to inspire you to write?
JAN: Well, Butch, first of all, Thank you for taking over this interview. Between you and me, it’s nice to talk to a sane being!
Inspiration comes from within. It’s the core of your being, what God gives you as a source of existence. Inspiration is literally the depth of who you are and what you become based on the knowledge and understanding of your God given talents and skills. Some are writers, some are welders, some are artists, and some are grumpy squirrels. Who knew?
BUTCH: Any advice for new writers?
JAN: Yes, if you must create burdensome creatures such as Pops, keep them confined to your books, so they don’t get out and misbehave. Although, I have to tell you (just don’t let Pops hear this) he is kinda cute! If he would just behave himself…
BUTCH: Oh, believe me. I’m not saying a word. Thank you and again, apologies for Pops’ behaviour.
POPS: Not!...OUCH!
JAN: Thanks for the Interview, sometime this week I’d be interested in interviewing Pops for my website http://monstermoneymaker.com I’m sure he could give our readers some Monsterous GOOD marketing ideas for use on their websites. Anytime you’re ready for an interview Jinx, just come on over… About that kiss…
JINX: Wow. Thank you, Jan. I won’t wash that side of my cheek ever. Thanks for coming. I might start my own interview…hey, stop dragging me, Pops. I’m…not…finished…talking. Bye, Jan.
JAN: Bye Jinx
POPS: And you’re on. Shoot me your interview questions. This should be interesting.
7 comments:
Pops, you are one cool rodent. But don't let me catch you bein' bad!
Jinx, I keep trying to imagine you being cute...
Jan
I don't think, dear lady, that was called for. I will NOT stoop to Pops behaviour just to please you. I am cute and that's that.
GREAT!!!! I loved this :-) Jan--you've got Pops beat in the fiesty department :-)
Joyce
POPS: What is this...a tag team?
Hello Lea. Your characters are real characters but Pops is off the top. LOL Very clever. We may have met in a group or at the water fountain in WVU, I've been there for over 5 years but haven't been active the last year.
Good writing, Lea and neat blog.
Pee Wee
LEA: Hi Pee Wee, how are you?
POPS: Um, you have a blog, remember? Can you guys go socialize there? Or give him your email address and get off my blog?
LEA: I write you, Pops, so watch it!
Nice to read you again, Pee Wee. Thanks for stopping by.
Jinx: Sometimes my fingers get ahead of my tongue... I'm fiesty but not mean! I didn't intend that to sound so trite and cruel.
In fact, I'm seriously thinking you ought to get an interview all your own. Perhaps that would make up for my trite words.
Jan
Post a Comment